I just want to know

For better or for worse, I am a nurse at the same hospital where I delivered Avalon, and therefore have the ability and the right to access my own patient documents. I can’t find any record of the delivery itself, but I was able to read the OR report of my D&C after the vaginal delivery, and the pathology report of the placenta. It showed lots and lots of evidence and proof of the abruption. It also stated that I had hydramnios, too much amniotic fluid. No one has mentioned this to me. When I asked about fluid at my anatomy scan, I was told it looked “perfect”. I looked up hydramnios, and it does cause placental abruption. Is that what happened? Is that why? And what causes hydramnios… 50% of the time, no one knows. The rest of the time it’s caused by congenital defects and anomalies of the fetus. My heart sank when I read this… should I have had a biopsy of my baby performed? Was something wrong with her ability to swallow her fluid, or her kidneys, or nervous system, or GI tract? I’m someone who wants this information, needs it to process and heal.

More importantly, if it was a congenital defect, does this mean if I try again, I have an ok chance with the next pregnancy?

Most importantly, does it really mean, it’s not my fault my daughter is dead?

I’ll always feel that my body failed her, to some extent, that I failed to protect my beloved child. And yet, somehow, if it was something in the DNA, something pre-written like that, and that caused a build-up of fluid, and that caused the abruption… well, then, it makes me hate my uterus a little, tiny bit less.

I obviously have a ton of questions for the MFM specialist the next time I see him. I’m writing them down now. After 2 cycles I’m supposed to schedule a hysteroscopy to see if a uterine septum or some other problem with my uterus contributed to or caused the abruption. In that case, I would be devastated, and feel 100% that my uterus and my body let my daughter down.

Maybe I will email the doctor. I will have to work on writing something that is somewhat more organized and precise than what I write here!

Author: Mother of All Things

Mother by fostering, adoption, and marriage... wife to my best friend... Bay area critical care nurse... travel in my blood, reading in my bones, clean food on my mind!

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