nevermind, it’s a fail

I can’t do anything with Moose without thinking, “I’ll never do this with Avalon”.

I’ll never give her a bath and teach her how to splash. I’ll never admire her long eyelashes, or her little toes, or praise the way she stands up like a big girl or starts to crawl. I’ll never feel her body get heavy with sleep as I rock her before bed. I’ll never be wakened in the night by her cries. I’ll never make a bottle for her, and think about how beautiful she is as I watch her eat. I’ll never read her a little book, or kiss her chubby cheeks, or find out which kind of baby toys she likes best.

The “nevers” are never-ending. My Avalon will never be a baby like Moose is a baby, like everyone else’s baby is a baby. We will never have memories together. I will always feel the shadow of those absent times haunting my whole life.

Moose, busy playing
Moose, busy playing

Author: Mother of All Things

Mother by fostering, adoption, and marriage... wife to my best friend... Bay area critical care nurse... travel in my blood, reading in my bones, clean food on my mind!

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