aaaand I fall apart

The pregnant doctor at work today. I work with her, I like her a lot. I worked with her Tuesday and yesterday without a problem. Then someone else started talking about how great it was that she climbs while pregnant, and had this harness made that fit her belly… and suddenly it hit me so hard. I’m NOT pregnant anymore. My baby is dead. My pregnancy is dead. My joy and happiness and everything else she has, I no longer do. It’s dead. Her heart is still beating happily, and mine is torn to shred, a bloody, murdered mess.

I ended up standing in the coffee room, facing the wall, wiping tears off my cheeks. I came out of the restroom only to come face-to-face with a display where nurses/staff put photos of their newborn announcements. My baby’s photo will never be there. Avalon’s photo should’ve been there this spring and it won’t be. I walk away with a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can’t help thinking about how much I hate all of them for having what I was supposed to.

Today is a fragile day.

Author: Mother of All Things

Mother by fostering, adoption, and marriage... wife to my best friend... Bay area critical care nurse... travel in my blood, reading in my bones, clean food on my mind!

One thought on “aaaand I fall apart”

  1. I’m new to your blog. I am so sorry for the loss of your little girl. I lost my first baby, Jacob, at 21 weeks on June 1, 2010 due to amniotic bands. There was no damage to his body that would have caused his death. The best guess was that a band wrapped around the umbilical cord and killed him. I then had 3 miscarriages, 2 by the end of 2010, one in 2011. In 2012, I finally had my rainbow baby and I was constantly scared that we would lose her too. I know it hasn’t been long since your little girl died, I know how hard it is to see pregnant women and babies. I know how hard it is not to blame yourself. Over the past 2.5 years, I’ve learned a lot. Now I believe that it wasn’t my fault, but it still hurts and I still miss Jacob enormously. I guess I’m just trying to say that life gets better, it gets easier. There is always an ache, but it isn’t as awful as it was in the beginning. Passing the first birthday is a big deal and I felt a weight lift after that,maybe because I had then been through all the “firsts”. Anyway, I’m thinking of you and Avalon. I love her name, by the way. Oh, and I fell apart everywhere….at work, on the train to and from work, in stores, while driving.

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