it hurts

I have menstrual cramps. Except no blood, not even spotting. I guess maybe it’s coming. Shouldn’t I be relieved that my period is coming back? Getting my body back on track? Somehow I’m not. Somehow it doesn’t just physically hurt, it hurts emotionally as well. The very last remnant of my pregnancy, gone. The last proof that I had my baby inside of me, gone. I don’t want it.

I don’t want this reality. I don’t want even the good parts of it. I want this all to go away, and I want it to be like it was before. I want it to be December 7,  2012, and I want The Bleed to never come. I want to stay above the ice and keep skating, away away away from this nightmare, this hell on earth.

I had a piano lesson today, my first since I was, I don’t know, 19? Back in the building where I took piano, bassoon, and violin lessons in high school. It felt like I was a child again. The teacher was kind of tough, and I felt a bit silly. Who was Chopin? Tell me something about his life? What era did he write in? Shit if I know. I play some music he wrote. I haven’t studied music theory or history since high school, 15 years ago. I stopped caring about how things “should” go, and just played the way I wanted to. So I got homework, to actually know a thing or two about the composers I’m playing. I guess it’s a good diversion from my daily life.

My therapist continues to tell me that I’m grieving “well”, that is, doing appropriate things to grieve and not doing anything destructive. Reminds me of the song by Selah where she says, “People say that I’m brave but I’m not, the truth is I’m just barely hanging on…”

I made a CD with songs that make me think of my baby, a lot of suggestions from over on Glow, and that’s what I listen to now. I don’t want to hear or listen to happy music, or any music that doesn’t speak to the heaviness or sadness inside of me. When I get the list perfected, I’ll put up a “Soundtrack” page.

Right now I want some wine, and to go to bed. My emotional body feels sore, I hurt all over.

Author: Mother of All Things

Mother by fostering, adoption, and marriage... wife to my best friend... Bay area critical care nurse... travel in my blood, reading in my bones, clean food on my mind!

One thought on “it hurts”

  1. Brave, hanging on, whatever. People call it everything, don’t they? Either way, you made it through today. I know that feeling of losing the proof of your baby…Like you’re starting everything all over again right now…

    It sucks.

    It gets less shitty, though. I can say that.

    I’d really love to see your soundtrack. I relate HEAVILY into music and lyrics. I find that sometimes, all it takes is a couple of applicable lyrics to bring me to tears, though. Even if the rest of the song doesn’t even relate.

    It’s usually taken as a love-gone-wrong song, but Ryan Adams’ Sweet Illusions kills me in a whole different way now.
    You and I used to shine like a jewel
    But time’s been nothing to us but cruel
    So play it out and never play the fool
    Cause you’ll lose everytime

    Cruel is right.

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