too much

Tonight it’s just too much. I want my baby. I’m desperate… I’ll do anything, promise anything, give away everything else in my life, if only I could go back and have it go the way it was supposed to. What kind of cruel, hard world is this, that you cannot beg and plead with the most fervent prayers of your life and get a response? Who up there, or out there, could ignore the kind of pleas that come from grieving mothers? There is no one out there, no one listening, no one with any power. Even this love that supposedly is the strongest in the world, super-human, is totally powerless.

It’s just too much. It just hurts so incredibly bad. I get through my day and then I let myself crack and fall and split wide open, because I shouldn’t be able to walk or drive or smile or breathe without my baby. If she’s gone, everything else should be gone, too. Everything around me should have shattered into little pieces.

How dare this world keep going as if it still had a purpose. How dare time keep plodding on, oblivious to such a deep tragedy, such a huge injustice. I look around, and I think this is madness. I don’t know how to live in a world where my daughter is dead. It makes no sense. It’s utter chaos, it’s utter madness.

Author: Mother of All Things

Mother by fostering, adoption, and marriage... wife to my best friend... Bay area critical care nurse... travel in my blood, reading in my bones, clean food on my mind!

2 thoughts on “too much”

  1. Oh my sweet you have no idea how often I feel like this. It seems so many of the blogs I read are of people who take such comfort in god and religion and I just feel like watching our son die sealed my disbelief forever. You aren’t alone xx

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