strength and lackthereof

When Avalon was safe in my belly I was strong. I kicked every bad habit to the curb. I got rid of anyone and everyone who caused me stress, even if I loved them and missed them. I forced my life to be peaceful by removing the tumultuous parts. Then she died, and I relapsed into everything. It was so damn easy to be healthy for her, to plan a perfect, serene environment for her, to make everything right for her. I obviously don’t have the same love for myself, because I haven’t done it or been able to do it.

Every horrible emotion, bad habit, and terrible coping mechanism has come back to me. My fear and insecurities overwhelm me and I allow them to come in and take over. I pour them a drink. I prepare a bedroom for them. They are coming back to cohabitate, not just visit. Instead of knowing something is wrong, or unhealthy, and walking away from it, I rail at it, scream at it, beg it, and basically just continue to engage with it. I push people away just in the hopes that they will convince me to let them stay. I set boundaries and bottom lines that have no meaning because I never stick to them. I participate in madness rather than just ignoring it. My inner life is as chaotic as it was 3 years ago when I went into intense therapy to try to move away from it.

I was so close, so close. For you, Avalon, I fixed it and made it better for you. I had healthy relationships, for you. I had a mind that was peaceful and still, for you. I had a heart that was sad and hurt at times, but not chaotic, for you. Oh my little girl, your mom would do anything for you… but I can’t seem to do it for myself.

Author: Mother of All Things

Mother by fostering, adoption, and marriage... wife to my best friend... Bay area critical care nurse... travel in my blood, reading in my bones, clean food on my mind!

One thought on “strength and lackthereof”

  1. I had this same realization. When I was pregnant with Jeremy, I gave up every bad habit. For the first time in my life, I took care of myself. I loved myself and my body. When he died, it all went to shit. Why can’t we love ourselves enough to do that on our own? I don’t know. What I do know…those changes, that peace of mind, that calm…that is what makes you a mother. That is love. Thinking of you and Avalon.

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