you would think

You would think that when your child dies, nothing could ever happen to you again that would really touch you. It would make you so strong, because if the worst has already happened, why be afraid of anything? But as I’ve heard other baby loss moms say, it’s just the opposite. The smallest little things can pile on top of your grief and cause you to buckle. Another heart break can destroy any peace or strength you might have found.

The weight of your lost baby makes you walk hunched over, when you do manage to get to your feet. It drops you to your knees several times a day, and every single night. The next heartbreak, big or small, is placed on top of that, and then you are face-down on the ground, struggling just to breathe. It brings you back to that purely awful moment very easily. The moment of absolute horror and devastation is much easier to find, now, because you’ve already created a path to it and walked it many times. It’s only easier and easier to get to.

I’m face down on the ground again, struggling to breathe.I have never felt so alone.

Author: Mother of All Things

Mother by fostering, adoption, and marriage... wife to my best friend... Bay area critical care nurse... travel in my blood, reading in my bones, clean food on my mind!

2 thoughts on “you would think”

  1. Me too, I am here, reading. And I am so sorry. My heart aches for you. You are an amazing, beautiful writer. I wish you didn’t have to write about *this*. Thinking of you.

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