I don’t really wish ill on anyone, especially not on other moms-to-be. I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy, I really truly wouldn’t. However, when I saw a very pregnant mom yesterday in the hospital hallway, waddling around dreamily with her hand on her belly, I desperately wanted her to wander right off a cliff. Or go up in a puff of smoke. I wanted to scream at her, push her, make her hurt. It’s an awful, awful feeling. I know that it’s not HER I want to hurt, it’s life, it’s fate, it’s the experience. I’m so angry. I want to hurt something. I want everyone and everything to be as miserable as me. I want to make someone PAY. I want justice. I want the death penalty. I want to mount heads on spikes and line the roads with them. I’m so desperately, tortuously, full of rage.
3 thoughts on “I’m not usually so mean”
I remember when I went through months (almost a year and a half, actually) of those exact feelings. And, if I were honest with myself, I still feel that way at times. It’s hard. It sucks. Nothing can really take away that pain that we experience. I’m so sorry that you’re hurting. I wish there was something that I could do.
Found your blog from LFAC. I have been TTC for four years now. I have never been pregnant. My husband and I just had our first IUI and I received a negative beta today. I don’t know what it is like to lose a precious little baby, but I understand the rage. It’s amazing, the things we have to go through. Thinking about you.
I get it. Oh dear God, do I get it. Yesterday, after being told that I’m about to miscarry at 11.5 weeks, I got stopped behind one school bus after another on the long drive home.
The Rolling Stones’ song “Paint It Black” has been stuck on repeat in my mind: “I want to see the sun blotted out from the sky.” The rage is overwhelming. So is the grief.
But if I have to choose, I’ll take either of those living emotions over a hardened, dead bitterness. Maybe that’s where mindfulness comes in? I don’t know; I’m just stumbling through this, too.
Thank you for writing this blog. It’s real, raw, and somehow truly beautiful. It’s the only thing that’s brought me some comfort today, in fact. I wish you peace.