I just updated the Soundtrack page with three songs I wish I’d known about since December. The first is “Held” by Natalie Grant.
“To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we’d be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We’re asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live,
It’s unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive”
I mean seriously… that is my life, 100% right now. This IS how it feels to survive after the sacred was torn from my life. Bloody awful. The main point of the song, however, is very religious, and the writer obviously has taken a great comfort in God, and feels “held” by him. I wish I could say the same, but I haven’t felt that. I’ve felt more angry at life… which is also part of the song (if you put it in God terms): “This hand is bitterness, we want to taste it and let the hatred numb our sorrows” but she goes on to say that later she realizes that God never promised that things would be fair, or even ok, just that He would hold you when bad things happened. I’m glad she feels that way. But I don’t feel held at all… I feel like I’m free falling, and there’s nothing to catch me, except a hard cement ground at the bottom.
Mother of All Things 
In the earlier months, all I felt was blackness. I saw darkness everywhere. I believe in God and have experience him in the midst of this storm, but I’ve still experienced numb or heart shattering pain. I couldnt write about it because it was too big and traumatic. I couldn’t cry because it didn’t help the deep pit of sadness. I just felt so trapped, helpless, hopeless…
You are not alone. I love that song so very much.
x