Those women who choose to go “natural”, no monitors, no hospital… they inspire a fury within me. I just can’t get past the point that they are choosing to put their trust blindly in fate, when being on a monitor or closer to an operating room could save their baby’s life. It seems so arrogant to me, like a slap in MY face… as if to say, THEY won’t be unlucky, they will be just fine. But I was them, so perhaps it’s myself, my old self, I am hating. Despising. Pitying. I can’t really say for sure.
My rage these days is more overpowering than my sadness. I can barely “miss” Avalon, because I’m just so mad. I should be 28 weeks pregnant right now. I should be. Everything was stolen from me, and no one seems to notice that anymore, except me. Not that there is anything anyone should be doing that they aren’t… but my daughter is gone, she is nowhere now, and it’s a terrible, awful crime that can never ever be punished, or justified, or made meaningful enough.
It’s just so wrong, and yet I am expected, even by myself, to just keep going on. The reality of my existence is just awful, very awful.
One thought on “my fury, my rage”
I do not know you, but I cam across your post and wanted to send you a hug. I am so sorry that you are hurting. My daughter died at full term pregnancy in January 2010. Its been three years but I still feel her in my heart. I am working on a page http://ukstillbirth.com/ that is my blog. I am working with other women who have also suffered loss. You might recognise some of the posts. Sometimes it helps, just to know that is not just you. Sending some love to you and your angel x