Nine months ago I told the universe to send me a baby, bio or foster. I got both. Nine months later, they are both gone. It’s surreal.
Universe, I’m ready again.
I read other foster blogs and just find myself staring at my phone, willing it to ring. I want the madness and craziness of foster care. I look back on my time with Moose, and the amazing little guy he is becoming, and I am so proud of the part I played in it. I’m very proud of his parents, too, and the wonderful job they’re doing. They grew up so much and became everything he needed in parents. He will probably never even know he was in foster care!
Nothing in the whole world will replace Avalon. Nothing will make me forget, for a second, how old she should be right now, how big my belly should be, and that May should’ve been the most important month in my life, and I know now it’s going to be one of the saddest. But I feel like a mom, and yet have no child. I want to have one, physically, in my arms.
Mother of All Things 
I think the universe may have been waiting for you. Now that you are ready I am praying for a new little one to come into your world.
I feel that same way – you’re a Mom but you don’t get to mother your baby. It’s all wrong. Thoughts for you.
I cannot imagine the days you have right now. Men never understand that our brains really never turn off, and with the losses you’ve had, I’m sure memories haunt you all the time. My first placement left, and I cried and cried. My husband asked what he could do to help me, and I said, just let me cry. Let me sob and deal with the loss, let it shape me and leave its mark, because it will just make me more…make me stronger, steadier, and more prepared for the gauntlet that if foster care. I wanted to give up, I wanted to hide. But the phone did ring, as sadly, in foster care, it always will. Perhaps your worker knows your loss, knows your pain, and is waiting for just the right case to help you through it. Mine did. It was worth it, and I’m still in the system with one, they literally lost his paperwork for 7 months in the state system, and I had to pitch a mommy sized fit to get someone to listen, but he’s here right now. Blessings coming your way as you wait for the phone.
Yes, the licenser did express that she wanted to give me time after the loss. But two months later I was like, ok, thanks for the time, give me a baby now! I know it will happen though. Either that or I’ll get pregnant. Or maybe both. Getting neither is the only scenario I don’t like!
I understand! We’ll think ringing thoughts for ya!