I wish I’d known this was here before!
An article titled “Sometimes I See Double” made me think of the fact that “Sometimes I See a Ghost”. Baby loss moms… we always live with one foot in our terrible reality, and another foot in what should have been. In the other life I live in my head, I’m hitting the last few weeks of my pregnancy. I’m big, and awkward, and swollen. I’m doing kick counts. I’m making sure my nursery is ready. I’m getting a hospital bag ready to pick up and go. I’m having a baby shower next week, complete with a vagina cake. I look at myself in the mirror all the time, amazed at my huge big belly. I sleep every night with the body pillow and I’m still not comfortable. I have already scheduled my pregnancy photos and I’m hoping for good weather that day and wondering what I should wear.
This life seems as real to me as the reality I’m living in. In the reality that is “real”, my belly has some flab that is not baby related. My breasts are really small and flat. Sometimes I have gas twinges that remind me of her kicks and make me want to cry. I keep the door to the nursery closed at all times. I wonder all the time if I will be cremating a second baby and putting him/her into the ground next to big sister.
I see double ALL the time. The good reality and bad reality, flowing on side by side.