spring is coming

As time hurtles towards her due date, I feel more and more alone in my grieving. No one else is shocked or devastated by her loss anymore, just me. No one else is dreading May with all their heart, no one else is thinking every minute “she should be here”.

As I TTC, no one else is thinking I shouldn’t have to be doing this. Everyone else sees me picking myself up, dusting myself off, and trying again. “Getting over it” and “moving on”. But it’s not so. She wasn’t a miscarriage, or a lost pregnancy. Maybe she would’ve been at 6 weeks or 8 weeks or 12 weeks. But she was a baby, a little baby girl I held in my arms, a little baby girl who liked to touch her face with her hands and suck her thumb, who wiggled and flipped every time I drank juice, who was most active between 4 and 7pm. A little girl who was my daughter, a whole daughter, a whole complete person, who will always be missing, and always be missed.

TTC’ing again doesn’t undo anything. It doesn’t help. Having another baby won’t heal me, or take away the pain. It just adds another layer to the grief, and hopefully adds a new joy to a life lacking joy.

Author: Mother of All Things

Mother by fostering, adoption, and marriage... wife to my best friend... Bay area critical care nurse... travel in my blood, reading in my bones, clean food on my mind!

5 thoughts on “spring is coming”

  1. Maybe in person, you feel that everyone thinks you’re moving on…but there are thousands of us out here, some of us luck enough to run into your blog, and see that you too walk a hard, winding road. To us, you are strength, because you have the will to try again, while we are afraid. So, though you may not see us, those that share in your fear, your dread of spring, your loss…we are here.

  2. I agree with southfortyamanda. I’ve never experienced your loss, but my heart breaks for you and for your precious Avalon. All I can say is that I am truly so so so very sorry. No one should experience what you have gone through. My mother-in-law lost her 3-month-old daughter almost 40 years ago, and while she has never forgotten her precious baby, she did go on to have other child and grandchildren and now a great-grandchild. She’s 75 years old and has had a happy, fulfilled life. You have to believe that you are not sentenced to a lifetime of despair. You must believe that at some point you will have peace from this hell you are going through. You must believe that you will one day find joy in your life again. Please, please don’t ever give up.

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