then I feel guilty

I am starting to experience the guilt of “not grieving enough”. I’ve read other baby loss blogs, and this seems to be a common theme as time marches on after the death of our babies. We feel bad for ever feeling good. I sometimes feel bad for not feeling bad enough, all the time. I think maybe I should be crying more. Maybe I should find smiling harder. Maybe I’m a horrible mother, and horrible person, for being able to get out of bed, for being able to look forward to anything.

I know, I know, that it’s ok, that it’s not something I should feel guilty about. But it doesn’t matter what I know, I feel guilty anyway.

Somewhere deep inside me is still a mother who is absolutely devastated, as in I can’t get out of bed, can’t eat, can’t sleep, can only cry devastated. Sometimes that woman comes out and I have a good cry. But mostly that doesn’t feel like it’s enough. I know I will carry this grief with me forever. I know it will be more at the surface at certain times, and other times I will be seemingly happy or content.

As Brooke says in her blog, this burden never gets lighter, I only learn to carry it better.

Author: Mother of All Things

Mother by fostering, adoption, and marriage... wife to my best friend... Bay area critical care nurse... travel in my blood, reading in my bones, clean food on my mind!

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