I am starting to experience the guilt of “not grieving enough”. I’ve read other baby loss blogs, and this seems to be a common theme as time marches on after the death of our babies. We feel bad for ever feeling good. I sometimes feel bad for not feeling bad enough, all the time. I think maybe I should be crying more. Maybe I should find smiling harder. Maybe I’m a horrible mother, and horrible person, for being able to get out of bed, for being able to look forward to anything.
I know, I know, that it’s ok, that it’s not something I should feel guilty about. But it doesn’t matter what I know, I feel guilty anyway.
Somewhere deep inside me is still a mother who is absolutely devastated, as in I can’t get out of bed, can’t eat, can’t sleep, can only cry devastated. Sometimes that woman comes out and I have a good cry. But mostly that doesn’t feel like it’s enough. I know I will carry this grief with me forever. I know it will be more at the surface at certain times, and other times I will be seemingly happy or content.
As Brooke says in her blog, this burden never gets lighter, I only learn to carry it better.