Just had a major cryfest in the car driving home. I went to work another overtime 12 hour shift, because we were withdrawing life support from the patient I’ve had for three weeks. I wanted to be there, to make sure it went right, to make sure the family was taken care of. As I burst into noisy sobbing on the road home, it felt like I was crying for much more than my baby girl, or the loss of my own dreams. It felt like I was crying for the loss of this patient, someone’s father, someone’s brother. It felt like I was crying for my future losses, then. Losing my grandma, or my own mom someday. Suddenly I felt the whole weight of every loss everyone ever felt on my shoulders, and I nearly had to pull over I was so weighed down with a pain that felt immeasurable.
Sometimes our personal losses connect us to the loss of others, and that weaves us into a psychic web of universal loss. In that moment I felt so intrinsically a part of it that I suddenly could not separate my pain from the pain of the human race, past and future.
3 thoughts on “cryfest”
I don’t think it’s crazy… At church this past week we had a Rabbi come in for the beginning of Passover (it’s a UU church), she talked about how part of Passover is crying out….lifting up your sorrows. Then we all listed things we were sad, frustrated about, even just daily annoyances. Then she sang them and after each one the congregation would sing “Help Me God, Help Me”. It was as if we were all in it together, my burden was just not my own. It was very comforting. I hope you gained some comfort from sharing your grief (even in your car on your own…if that makes sense).
My heart breaks for you. How do you feel about trying an anti-depressant? I know it has helped me. Your brain chemistry is all over the map because of the trauma you have experienced maybe it would help. Just a thought from someone in the blogosphere that cares! 🙂
I take paxil for anxiety… it improved my life so much.