how can it be?

That a mother could lose so much.

Kate Leong’s story. (She is now about to lose her fourth child, but this time her firstborn, 5-year-old Gavin.)

I watched the video she made of her daughter Darcy, who was just a little smaller than Avalon when she was born. Her little face was so unique and precious. Just like Avalon’s. I wish now I had all of the photos they had thought to take. I never thought to take any, at all. I was in a total haze. When I see photos of other moms holding their dead babies, I see myself more completely than if I had looked into a mirror.

The pain and devastation that freeze your features into place.

Today I’m going to cry, because none of this is right. Because some days I know how to go on, but today I don’t.

Today I don’t know how to live without Avalon.

Author: Mother of All Things

Mother by fostering, adoption, and marriage... wife to my best friend... Bay area critical care nurse... travel in my blood, reading in my bones, clean food on my mind!

2 thoughts on “how can it be?”

  1. I have been following her story as well. It’s just heartbreaking. To lose her daughter and now her son. She has grace that I don’t think I’d have… if I were to have a living child and lose that one too. But how do we know? I’ve been annoyed in the past when people say ‘You’re so strong’, because I know that I’m not strong, but you just don’t have a choice. So I don’t know…

    Anyway, I know exactly what you mean about pictures. I don’t know if we have any of us with her. I do know that they did take some pictures of her alone. I can’t bear to open the box yet and see what is there and what isn’t. I don’t know if my heart can bear seeing the pictures. And I don’t know if I can bear that there probably aren’t some pictures that I would have wanted. We do the best we can at the time, right? Thinking of you and little Avalon.

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