I got little Jo Jo’s photos done today. She was so good, and some of the pics are going to be so beautiful. We weren’t able to do Moose’s photos due to weather (I really want to get them outside) so we’ve rescheduled. I’m so looking forward to seeing my little boy again!
Sometimes I think about Jo Jo’s mom. I think about where she is and wonder if she ever thinks about her youngest child (she has several others, more than I thought, it turns out, and custody of none of them). I wish I could’ve met bio mom once or twice, at least. I have a crazy fantasy of winning her over with my charming personality and impressing upon her how much I love and care for her daughter. I wish I could give her that peace of mind (not that I know for sure if she needs it, but maybe I do). In a perfect world she’d just relinquish to me. Wouldn’t that be lovely? In my dreams.
I also try hard not to think about having to give her away. Take her to some distant relative’s house and just… leave her. It makes me crazy. It’s been a week and a half and I’m already not sure how I’d live without her little squeals and contented grunts while she eats and sleeps. Her beginning smiles that are going to turn into happy baby grins, her little hand reaching out and grabbing my hair… I think I’m on the road to total heartbreak, because I want to keep her so badly. I don’t want any crazy, barely related relatives to pop up and think that they’re “saving” her from foster care. I want to watch her grow up, toddle around, go to kindergarten round up, turn into a beautiful little lady with all her own interests and quirks.
I can’t put barriers up with her, even though I probably should. Even though it’s going to hurt like hell.
2 thoughts on “love and fear”
This is tough to read and makes me feel desperate.
…I mean that in a supportive way. It just makes fostering sound like such a precious gift, but one that can be gone in an instant. I suppose that’s a theme I’m learning about from reading your blog.