It’s been 16 days since Jo Jo came to live here. I’ve been busy, and preoccupied by a whole new set of concerns/worries. But yesterday, I cried. I cried for my baby. I cried because I miss her so much, I’m so heartbroken that she isn’t here. I want her to be here. I want my baby back.
And then I start to feel the layers of guilt coming. If I want Avalon back, then don’t I want to have Jo Jo here? Shouldn’t I want the baby who is here, who needs me now, more than the baby who is gone? And if I want Jo Jo here, if I love her with all my heart and want to keep her, does that mean I want my daughter here less?
Of course, wanting my baby back, wanting her to be alive, wanting to be a mom to her and meet her and get to know her throughout her whole life, doesn’t mean I don’t want and love Jo Jo, too. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love and cherish another bio child either. If Avalon had been born, though, I would not have been open for foster care. Jo Jo would be somewhere else. But Avalon was not born alive. I did open my heart to foster care. And miraculously, a beautiful little girl is now here, and we are so fulfilling to each other.
I know it’s ok. I know the feelings are normal and common and ok to have. But yesterday was the first time I really just sat with them, and my grief. The first time I allowed myself, since Jo Jo arrived, to just sit there and scream inside, “I want my daughter! I want Avalon” The guilt followed.