fast approaching

My due date is 5 days away. A voicemail informed me that her gravestone has been delivered and installed. I imagine that lonely pink stone in the ground. I cannot bring myself to go there, tonight. The first stone in our family plot. My only biological child. My first born. A pink piece of granite to tell the world she was here, she was loved, she was so wanted, she is so missed.

I wonder daily about what is happening in the alternate reality called: My Life As I Planned It. I wonder about it like North Korean defectors must wonder about their family members left behind in an isolated country. I think to myself, “Would I have been in labor today? Or would I already be home with a newborn? Would I be struggling with breastfeeding? Am I sore from a vaginal delivery or a c-section? Do I think that the budding leaves bloom for my new daughter? Does it seem like Spring has arrived just and only for her birth? Does she sleep a lot? Or is she still inside, making me so big and heavy and uncomfortable that I can’t wait for her to come out? Have I stopped working because I just can’t do it? Or am I working up to the last day?”

I am sometimes completely convinced that this other reality is still happening. I can feel it occurring, shades of it seeping into my current life in ghost-like shadows. Yes, there is a shadow of me groaning as I pick my huge, over-sized belly off of the couch. Look, there I am, bouncing a brand new baby in my arms, murmuring her name to calm her, “there there, little Avalon. Don’t cry. Mommy’s here.”

It’s a world I can see and hear all around me, but I can’t reach it, or touch it, or feel it physically. I wonder if the other me, on the other side, can sometimes sense glimpses of me, a sudden rush of sadness, a shadow of grief curled up beside her, a different life lurking just out of sight.

Author: Mother of All Things

Mother by fostering, adoption, and marriage... wife to my best friend... Bay area critical care nurse... travel in my blood, reading in my bones, clean food on my mind!

3 thoughts on “fast approaching”

  1. It’s definitely such a hard day. Do you have anything planned on the day itself? To be honest, my due date was sad, but not as awful as I thought it would be. It was kind of nice, because I felt justified really living in my sadness and talking about her and missing her. Most days, I try to keep those feelings under my skin, so I appreciated being able to let it all out. Try to be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself.

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