today is the day

The day I’ve dreaded for so long has come, and soon, will be gone. Her due date. Besides being generally a little crabby, I also took a short nap with her ashes clutched to my belly, as I did those first few horrible weeks when the absence of her in my abdomen screamed at me every minute. If only I could put her back in there, feel her move again… I would think to myself as I pressed that black box closely to my skin.

I don’t know if I will hold the ashes there from now on. Maybe in my arms, instead. Or maybe I will finally have them placed with her grave stone. I still don’t know what to do. In that other timeline, am I giving birth? Has my baby come into the world yet, or am I so big and heavy that I can barely move? What does the world look like to me, over there, on the other side of the vale? Brighter, cleaner, simpler? Happy?

Today was just a Tuesday like any other Tuesday. A day like any other day. No one around me knows or understands that it is THE DAY to me. May 7th, May 7th, May 7th. I don’t think I had any specific expectations, except that it would be a sadder, deeper day than usual. A day to weep for what I lost and feel grateful for what I now have. A day to think of the daughter I was supposed to meet, a little girl who should have been something to this world, a daughter, a granddaughter, a friend, a lover, a mother herself, maybe. So many people who will never know what they missed, but one mother who will always know that someone is missing.

Author: Mother of All Things

Mother by fostering, adoption, and marriage... wife to my best friend... Bay area critical care nurse... travel in my blood, reading in my bones, clean food on my mind!

2 thoughts on “today is the day”

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