Sometimes I feel really possessive of Jo Jo. I feel like if she doesn’t spend most of her time with me, she will bond more to someone else. Maybe because she is not my biological daughter, I feel that our bond has to be cemented even more firmly. There is no other connection, otherwise. I worry that she will not know that I am her mother, I fear that she will grow up and have a sort of blah feeling about me, a sort of ambivalence or even apathy. Do other parents hoping to adopt feel this worry, especially mothers? If she smiles at anyone else or is soothed by anyone else, I feel so much jealousy, and so much insecurity. A deep feeling of not being enough, not being truly “mom”, not being as essential to her as I would have been to Avalon.

These are my deepest insecurities, feelings that I am ashamed of, worried about, and usually try to hide and push away. Will I always wonder if she would’ve preferred her bio mom to me? Will she someday wonder if I would’ve preferred Avalon to her?

These are heartbreaking, hopeless questions. Bottom line is, right now she’s so small and infantile, most anyone can satisfy her needs. I hope that at the appropriate age she will show attachment to me, and age-appropriate separation anxiety. I just want her to need me as much as I need her, and I often struggle with the overwhelming certainty that she doesn’t, and won’t.

Author: Mother of All Things

Mother by fostering, adoption, and marriage... wife to my best friend... Bay area critical care nurse... travel in my blood, reading in my bones, clean food on my mind!

4 thoughts on “possessive”

  1. That is totally normal. I don’t like to leave my son for that very reason. And she will sometimes prefer her birthmom because the woman she built in her head is perfect, unlike mean old you who puts her in timeout. Haha. My girls told me, starting at 3, that they don’t like me. It’s giving me thick skin for when they’re teenagers 😉

  2. My son and I came to each other through a fost-adopt. He came straight from the NICU to my house when he was 3weeks old and there is no question we are a family – mother and son- bonded, loved, and 100% the way it was meant to be. Just breath, it happens and it is happening even when you are not paying attention.

  3. I go through that feeling every visitation. My Dude has only had me…since the nurses turned him over to me after his birth…It’s been ME. Yet, for 21 months, I go to visitation, and I see his bios play and try to make him giggle. I watch and hold my breath, waiting to see if he will reach out for them, sighing with relief (yet should be ashamed) when he won’t. I get hurt when he will willingly walk to them, knowing he’ll just as easily walk to a stranger…but it was his bios… Last week I was jubilant because he saw his bios and ran for the door to the parking lot. Then, he ran from them all during the visit. I silently cheer in my head, because I’m so possessive of him. I never encourage the behavior (I mean…being realistic…I don’t want to give the bios anything to put against me in court when TPR comes, that’s just me being honest), but I worry and worry. Glad I’m not the only one.

  4. As a mom of twins who was stressed out to the max, you are feeling what I would think most moms feel. I thought since my husband wasn’t stressed out and calmed my babies down easily, they would bond with him more, faster, etc. NOT the case I assure you. No matter what, my boys are Mama’s boys for sure!

    So much of what you post is normal parenting and motherly “freak outs!” I say this with much love. Foster child or not, you are parent, they are your child. You are experiencing what most mom’s and parents are feeling on most days. Best of luck to you and JoJo.

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