The huge blessing of having Jo Jo, which has been 100% worth every bit of inconvenience it causes, has understandably increased my stress load a lot. List of stressors from most to least:
1. The possibility that Jo Jo could be taken from me and given to a married couple/more “suitable” pre-adoptive placement or distant relative placement
2. The possibility that Jo Jo won’t love me as much as I love her, or bond to me as her primary caregiver (read: mother) which transfers over into being stressed about going to work and not being with her for 14 hours three days a week.
3. Money… now that I can’t work overtime.
4. Putting off getting pregnant while feeling my biological clock sounding like a gong
5. The mess at home, washing the bottles, keeping house tidy for caseworker visits.
6. Less time/energy to take care of my grandparents.
7. Less energy and time for practicing piano.
8. Feeling like I’m neglecting my cats.
9. Taking care of the new garden, the other gardens, and outside stuff.
Whenever any additional, or situational, stress is added on to this list, I feel my head starting to swell and threaten to explode. Then I feel like I’m going to break down into tears. Then I remind myself that this is a lot going on, at one time, for one person, and I need to take a deep breath and put off til tomorrow what doesn’t absolutely need to get done today.
My dreams are now very often full of situations that result in the agency or CPS taking Jo Jo from me. Sometimes Jo Jo turns into Moose. Sometimes there is a graveyard where my daughter is buried in the background. Always there is a sense of urgency. They say that your dreams justify your emotions, not the other way around, so I can see why the pace of my dreams is often frantic and desperate.