birthday and jealousy

The other day a few people were standing around with a very pregnant co-worker, all talking about the pregnancies they had and how they felt at 8 or 9 months. I felt sick. I never got to 9 months, or 8. I will never stand around laughing and chatting at the memories of how big and awkward I was. I will never talk about my pregnancy at all without great overtones of sorrow.

Today I found out that one of my closest friends is pregnant for the first time. She was there for me when I was very sick in my first trimester, overjoyed for me in my second trimester, and there for me again through my loss. Even so, I cannot summon feelings of joy for her inside. I can only pretend. I definitely don’t want her to lose the baby, but I also don’t want to watch her not lose the baby. I have my Jo Jo, but it’s not enough until she’s adopted and I am sure that I won’t lose her. Until then, not only is loss the ground under my feet, it is also the sky threatening to fall down on me again.

And today is my 29th birthday. It’s cold and sort of gloomy out. I went out to lunch with my close friend and family. As usual, though, the people who are NOT here seem to leave a void that is much more palpable to me on a day meant to be joyous.

Author: Mother of All Things

Mother by fostering, adoption, and marriage... wife to my best friend... Bay area critical care nurse... travel in my blood, reading in my bones, clean food on my mind!

9 thoughts on “birthday and jealousy”

  1. I hope you’re able to find some pleasure in your day, but I hear where you’re coming from. I wish you were able to share this day with Avalon and Jo Jo….

  2. I was thinking that this morning: your first (or second? When was Moose there?) birthday as a Mama, and Avalon should be there. I understand how it dampens the happiness and mood of the day.

    1. Moose came on July 18th of last year, and I wasn’t pregnant yet, so it’s my first birthday as a mom! Although Avalon is always in my thoughts, I am so grateful that I shared the day with an equally loved and wanted baby girl 🙂

  3. Happy Birthday! The first birthday after I lost Maggie was a tough one. Those milestones without our babies are so tough. I’m glad that you had a little celebration. Sending you love!

  4. Oh hun. I can promise you that even though I made it to month nine, and I can participate in those conversations, a lot of the time people don’t want to hear it because of what happened to us, or that it doesn’t help the pain at all. We’ll always have those reminders.

    With regards to your friend – be honest with her. My best friend and I had a bit of a precarious time when she told me she was expecting, but I was honest and I didn’t avoid her. She had her daughter last week and I will be meeting her this weekend.

    Life is shit and it’s hard, but those who love you will be there for you even if they can’t understand why you need to do the things you do. And your relationship will have a better chance if you confront the hard feelings straight up.

    Happy Birthday! And lots of love to you.

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