who I would’ve been

Yesterday, driving home from work, I put in my loss soundtrack and just had a good cry. It’s confusing now to grieve for my daughter, because I have another daughter who I love and want just as much, who I never would have met if Avalon had lived.

With the Walk to Remember coming up, and having just watched “First Comes Love”, a documentary of a Single Mother by Choice that films her pregnancy and birth, I have been thinking a lot about the person and the mom I would have been if my first biological child had not died. While watching the birth, I cried. I miss being pregnant so much. I ache for the third trimester that was stolen from me. I hunger for the experience of excruciating pain that dissolves into extraordinary bliss and empowerment at having created a life and brought it successfully into the world.

I felt robbed of that experience, I felt robbed of getting to know my firstborn, and something else… I wished so badly that I had given birth to Jo Jo. I wish I had had that experience with the baby who is as much my own as any I could’ve conceived.

If I’d had an uneventful pregnancy and birth, and my daughter had entered the world alive and healthy:
-I would not be living under the shadow of the knowledge that death is always near and ready to devour.
-I would not be living under any preconceptions that “It won’t happen to me”.
-I would not have put my new daughter on an apnea monitor until age 5 months at night.
-I would not live every day with the fear that one word from a judge could take my daughter from me.
-I would not question if I should buy clothes for my daughter for next year, or put off planning her birthday parties, until just before the day.
-I would not be mentally debating if I should ever try to get pregnant again.
-I would be living in blissful ignorance.
-I would not be a baby loss mom, or a foster mom anymore.
-I would be happier, but not necessarily more whole.
-I would take more for granted, especially the joys of motherhood.
-I would say more stupid things to people fresh in grief.

Author: Mother of All Things

Mother by fostering, adoption, and marriage... wife to my best friend... Bay area critical care nurse... travel in my blood, reading in my bones, clean food on my mind!

2 thoughts on “who I would’ve been”

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