“Perfect” is certainly different than it used to be, before losing my baby. Different, but not worse. I have a new perfect in my rainbow baby, although I still mourn the old. I grieve the dreams that I lost, while discovering new dreams coming true through this amazing daughter who found her way to me against all odds.
It was rainy and chilly, so we visited “great-grandma”, where my baby fell asleep in my lap as I rocked her. She hasn’t done that since her swaddling days. We went grocery shopping, then took a nap again all cuddled up in bed in our PJs. Then back to great-grandma’s for another visit, and home for playing and a bath.
My girl is so affectionate now. She gives “huggies” and kisses. She always gives my grandma a couple big hugs sitting on her lap in the big reclining chair. I know that makes my grandma feel good. She also scoots and shimmies toward me when she’s on the floor, wanting to climb into my lap and have a big hug. This new expressiveness has made me so high. It’s amazing to see her discover how to show her feelings physically.
At the end of the day, we read a book, and cuddle. She turns on her side, nuzzles into me, and reaches her hand out to rest on my cheek as she falls asleep.
You are my angel, my darling, my star.
And my love will follow wherever you are…
-From my favorite children’s book, “Wherever You Are” by Nancy Tillman
Mother of All Things 
Life as a bereaved parent is bittersweet. I have always referred to my life after my sons’ deaths as my “new normal”. So glad that there is a new perfect out there too.