The other night I had a bit of a meltdown. There were tears. I had a paper due, tests and quizzes, and lots of stress about finding clinical preceptors for next year. I came home to my cottage to find it a total mess (stinking garbage, sticky spills on the floor, dirty kitty litter, cat puke on floor, rust/iron coating on sinks and tub, gross toilet), and the yard trashed with insulation, broken wood, a crushed garden bed liner, and even pop cans. And to make it even worse… in the spring my yard and drive is just a huge, calf-deep mud pit. A mud pit I have to pick my way through with a 32 pound wiggling toddler in my arms.
My mom is on vacation in Hawaii, our main day shift caregiver for my grandparents is off on medical, and our afternoon caregiver called in. So I had to also get them dinner and ready for bed while keeping my toddler out of the piles of stuff that is everywhere in their house. I started thinking about my lack of money, and how I can’t pick up overtime at work because I’m already feeling like a bad mom because of how much I have to do for school. And by the time all of this school work, cleaning, and being a mom is taken care of, I have even less time and energy for being a good girlfriend.
And so last night I just started bawling because I felt like a shitty mom, girlfriend, granddaughter, etc and you name it. And have I mentioned that I really, really don’t like mud??? It just sets me over the edge, mud everywhere. I went out and bought knee high rubber boots so that I can stop freaking out about stepping in the mud. But I’m still freaked out about it. I know we have to have the mud to get rid of the snow and ice. But still, ew.
So I had a good cry, turned on survivor, and took my tests. The next day, I submitted my paper, cleaned the floors and toilet and part of the bathroom in the cottage, and got supplies to clean the tub and windows. I got all the kitty litter and puke cleaned up and some of the yard, my kid took a good nap and stayed out of the mud, so I was feeling a little better about life.
But I have been having moments recently, lying in bed next to my daughter, where I wonder what the hell I’m doing going to school. I feel like I miss too much time with her already, working three days a week. What on earth will I do when I have to work another two days a week at clinical sites, and still have classes? Why didn’t I wait til she was in kindergarten or whatever to start this? Should I postpone it? But I feel like that’s a bad idea. I’m already going now… might as well finish it. Then I’ll be done by the time she’s in preschool and have a 9-5 M-F schedule when she’s in school, so I can be there after school with her every day. I just don’t know how to get through this next year without losing my sanity.
3 thoughts on “a little meltdown”
I don’t blame you for your meltdown! What you’re doing is extremely hard and extremely brave. One day, your daughter will be so proud of what you’ve achieved and how you redefined your life in order to make sure it was one that was best for her. You go, mama!
You are overwhelmed for sure! If any one of those factors hadn’t been there you might not have had the meltdown then (maybe later?). It sounds like a few too many things hit you at once. I don’t think you are a bad parent for taking on school right now. Can you take a calm look at it and lay out the options and pros and cons with someone? It wouldn’t make you a bad parent to put school on hold after this semester if you decided you needed to do that.
It’s very hard to raise a child and work at the same time but to do that while you’re in school must feel impossible at times. I think you’re right when you say you’ve already started so might as well keep going. It will be easier to be working full time when she’s in school and you really need to have a predictable schedule.
I think you’re doing great and things will only get easier with time. 🙂 hang in there! You’re an awesome mom.