Today is one of those days where I feel almost paralyzed by exhaustion, overwhelmed by the list of things I should be doing. I look around at my house, and god oh god does it need to be cleaned. This I somehow manage to do every few days, but the things that really really need doing (window washing, uncluttering the tops of wardrobes and fridge, etc) never get done. Things pile up, and up and up. It’s not actually that I don’t have the time to do them, or at least work on them. It’s that my energy level is around a 1 out of 10. I have just enough energy to get my toddler to the potty and pour her a bowl of cereal in the morning.
Sometimes I literally just sit, in sort of a daze, and let my daughter pull a chair up to the sink and make a wet mess in the kitchen. My finest parenting moment, indeed. In my head, The List plays on repeat, and yet I don’t pick my ass up and go get any of it done. My limbs each seem to weigh 100 lbs.
Guys, I have so much to do. The weight of it feels immense at times. I never dreamed at age 30 that I would be shouldering the responsibility of my grandmother and mother’s lives, as well as my own and my child’s. I don’t want to give this up, and in fact I’m glad and proud that I am able to do so much for them, but god it sometimes feels really hard. The most recent caregiver debacle resulted in not only police reports and litigation, but with the impending family “crisis” that will erupt when my grandma can no longer stay at home. I am her DPOA, both medical and financial, and I have no idea how to go about this! Where is the “what do with your elderly ones when they can’t be independent anymore but refuse to let you help?” how-to book??? I have to begin overseeing my mother’s finances, too!
And the messy house. And the gardens. I want to hide under my blankets for a few days. Boy do I miss the days when I was still the “kid”!