of the world but not in the world

Right now I’m experiencing, once again, the separation of my self from the physical reality I’m experiencing. There’s a sensation, like a presence, that is I’m aware of constantly, of not truly being where I actually am. It’s as if I’m the 20-year-old me or the 70 -year-old experiencing the present moment. I feel a deep sense of loss, and I’m very disconnected from the actions I’m taking. The motions of driving the car, going to work, preparing food… It feels like I’m in a play, acting out a script. This all can’t be real. This town and this day and these errands and this life… It just feels so conspired. My sense of loss may be from a lack of spontaneity or joyfulness in the moment, or maybe it’s from something else altogether. I get the feeling that I’m outside of my actual life, looking in. It feels almost like heartbreak, and also like desire. It could simply be a level of anxiety occurring because the chemicals off brain are off. Or it could be a legitimate sense of some other dimension I’m honing into.

Basically, I don’t know. But it’s definitely an uncomfortable feeling, one that makes me want to flee and escape but also succumb. I’m glad I have my daughter to give me purpose as I love through what almost feels like the inconsequential mundane. The shifting of the seasons sometimes unhinges me, much like the hour of twilight before nightfall.

Author: Mother of All Things

Mother by fostering, adoption, and marriage... wife to my best friend... Bay area critical care nurse... travel in my blood, reading in my bones, clean food on my mind!

5 thoughts on “of the world but not in the world”

    1. I guess I feel like it’s more of a manifestation of anxiety, as it’s a low level of discomfort or agitation. But I don’t feel “depressed” the way I did in the past, I guess. So maybe it’s just a different form of that.

    1. That’s sort of the problem… I lack friends that I can spend time with (short of scheduling a trip or outing way in advance) and I lack a community of moms with children. It’s just me, going through the routine, day after day after day. I might literally be starting to lose my mind!

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