how can I still be here?

It is cold and rainy, as it is every day this spring it seems. M and I have fallen asleep in the middle of the day after preschool, and a trip to the library. I wake up at 5:30pm and feel a cold dread sweep over me. Want to know why? Because I feel like I don’t want to be here. First of all, the house stinks of poop. Sure enough, one of the cats has gone outside of the litter box. I clean the litter box, swearing and feeling agitated the whole time. As I scrape at the sides and scoop out the nasty chunks, I repeat like a mantra, “I want to leave, I want to leave, I want to leave”. M watches.

Agitated is really how I feel, a lot of the time, when I’m home. And I don’t exactly feel better at work, to say the least. I can’t wait until I can leave, and when I’m home I also can’t wait til I can leave. Is this normal???

My temper feels hair-trigger. It’s all I can do not to snap M’s head off at every turn or push her away when she needs me. I look around and see work. Not inspiring or satisfying work, but stuff I just really hate doing and don’t want to do. The litter is one example, and I see dirty dishes in the sink, crumbs on the floor, dirty clothes in a pile… same things I see every day. Except instead of accepting it as part of domestic bliss, I feel like my blood starts to boil. Then I feel panicky. Then I feel I’m going to cry. I hate this SO much! I find myself thinking, without even defining what “it” is.

Then I feel totally overwhelmed by the thought of doing something or being somewhere else. Where should I be? What should I be doing? I have no fucking idea. I mean, I have some ideas but none are even close to feasible (you know, not working but still having the means to eat and put a roof over our heads). How can I find what I’m looking for? Where do I start? What should I do? The thoughts swirl and whirl and my chest tightens with anxiety. The tears come.

I don’t like being a nurse. If I’m going to be honest teaching English to kids sounds a little better, but not a million times better, because you know, I never wanted to be an English teacher or any type of teacher. I’d rather work with adults in all honesty but that’s not an opportunity teachers without English degrees usually get. I don’t have any other skills. I don’t like business nor does running a business sound even the least bit interesting.

There is only one thing in my life that is 100% certain and solid. I love my daughter and I love being her mom. Without her in my life I would be 100% more miserable than I feel now. I adore her, I ache to be better for her, I need to be. Of that there is no question.

But the rest? I’m lost. I may end up screaming and never stop.

Author: Mother of All Things

Mother by fostering, adoption, and marriage... wife to my best friend... Bay area critical care nurse... travel in my blood, reading in my bones, clean food on my mind!

6 thoughts on “how can I still be here?”

  1. There are English teaching jobs abroad that have you teaching adults. But I have no idea how to go about getting one.

  2. I have not commented on your blog before (I rarely comment on anyone’s, but I read tons of them!) but I have followed you for a bit because your daughter reminds me of my son (who has been described as “spirited, stubborn, fiercely independent, and too smart”, and I am also a single mother by choice. When I read your last few posts, however, I HAD to comment. It was like my thoughts had spilled out onto your blog… this is exactly how I feel in my current situation. Working to live, living to work. Paying a ridiculous amount for childcare, my three year old spending 50 hours a week in a daycare that I am not crazy about but it’s all I can afford. I am unsatisfied and no longer inspired by my career (I’m a teacher) and I have all these dreams but they conflict with each other and I have no idea where to start, so I just put my head down and get through another day. This is not what I want to model for my son.
    THANK YOU for letting me know I’m not crazy, or the only one, who feels this way. So many people I know can’t understand my restlessness. My son makes me incredibly happy, but I feel like we both deserve more.

  3. I know these feelings all too well. I’ve had them many times and have hated living where I am for the past 13.5 months. You will find your way out of this and figure out what makes you happy. I have faith in that.

  4. I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but maybe you should talk to a therapist or something? Obviously I’m a stranger that knows absolutely nothing about you beyond what you write about, but I keep thinking throughout the last few posts that you could totally move to another country, but you would still be yourself, a change of location rarely is the cure all for life. You have a lot on your plate with your job/kid/family stuff/recent death in the family, maybe your unhappiness goes deeper than where you live? Or not, what do I really know.

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