I’m really not on my game when it comes to being a mom these days. After getting my grandma settled into her rehab room (and calling my mom to come take M home because she was losing her mind in there) I went home. The sun was shining brightly and it was warm, but instead of enjoying it I felt hot and irritable. I got home and started the process of cleaning the house (dishes, floor, putting laundry away, kitty litter, all that stuff). I finished and felt hot and sticky, and jumped into the shower. I had intentions of putting my seedlings into the raised beds, but I was so freaking tired. M wanted to watch youtube, and I laid down next to her. It was 7:30pm.
I woke up an hour later, a thick slick of drool coming from the corner of my mouth. I felt immobilized by exhaustion, but M was chirping, “Mommy! Mommy! I’m sooo hungry mommy!” I sent her to find my mom, but she came back saying she wasn’t home. Feeling like I was moving under water, I stumbled into the kitchen. I was thinking, it’s 8:30 at night and the fucking sun is shining, I don’t care if that means it’s summer, my kid will never sleep while it looks like it’s 3 o’clock in the afternoon! Meanwhile M was demanding to be held, carried, and fed. I was out of bread, out of leftovers, out of milk. I cut up our last pear, and made her some instant oatmeal. I gave her a little bit of juice in a cup, and since lately she spills everything, she spilled it.
And I just snapped. I didn’t even know how horribly close to snapping I was, but I think I sort of screamed in frustration (not at her, just at the ceiling and at life in general), stormed to the bathroom, got a towel, and huffily wiped it up. M, of course, started crying and saying, “You make my sad, mommy, you make my sad” and I would usually take a minute to hug her and apologize for being gruff, but I was still so effin’ mad. She wanted to be picked up and I just really couldn’t at that moment. I said no and turned away, and she started crying more, “You make my sad AGAIN, mommy!”. Does that not just break your heart??? It should have broke mine in the moment but I was functioning on some sort of basic survival level. I plopped her food down onto the table and, still feeling like my eyes were too heavy to hold open, crawled back into my bed. (Don’t worry, my house is basically like a studio apartment, I was not that far from her.)
A few minutes later I crack my eye open and see M setting her bowl of oatmeal down on the little table by the bed. She left the room and returned with a little chair from her little table. She sat down a foot away from me, quietly eating her oatmeal. My cold heart finally cracked. I looked at her and said, “M, you’re eating here by me. Did you miss me?” She looked down sadly and said, “Yeah”. I said, “I missed you too. I’m so glad you had this idea.” Her whole face brightened then, and she said, “Yeah!” I said, “Mommy doesn’t feel good. I feel sick.” She said, “Your tummy hurt? Your head hurt?” I said yes, and she gave my head a kiss, leaned in close, and said, “It will be better soon.” I smiled and kissed her back and said, “Yes, it will be better soon.” Then she asked me to feed her the oatmeal (being fed makes her feel loved) and I did. Then she went and got her pear slices and crawled into bed next to me with one in each hand. After she’d eaten them all, she just stayed there cuddled up with me, quietly singing to herself. Then my mom came home, and she got up and went to spend time with her.
Looking back on it, I feel SO BAD. I was a horrible mom. But I literally felt like I was drugged, like some kind of exhausted monster had overcome me.
I fall asleep and wake up with the same thoughts: please let us get away from this life soon. Somehow, someway. Universe, show me what to do. I also feel depressed and hopeless because I feel so stuck, and trapped, and so full of fear at leaving this country alone with no back-up. So scared for M to be without me while I work in another country. Maybe something will work out when I get to Nepal. I keep telling myself I’m going to explain things to my family there and see what they think. Maybe they will be enthusiastic about helping me find something to do there. Maybe they will tell me I’m crazy, a selfish American with first-world problems, and go home and stop trying to take jobs away from the locals. But we’ll see what happens.
Mother of All Things 