My depression/bad mood has been getting worse. I’ve been sitting here crying for example because the house is so messy and M is grinding a chip into the floor with her heel. Because I’m OUT of money and it’s Monday, not even close to pay day. Because I can’t even afford to buy plants for the raised beds, so they’re empty. Because I’m overweight even though I’m not eating crap and spending all day fucking cleaning or working. It’s not like I’m sitting around having a great time with bon bons and netflix. I’m never having a great time, because there is always work. I’m not even sure what it would be like to have a whole day where I didn’t have to cook/clean/scrub from dawn to dusk just to avoid living in squalor, or stress about money or spend the whole day wiping other people’s asses just to make money.
Why this is suddenly all becoming so hard on me, I can’t say. It’s the same life I’ve always lived.
But I’m sitting here crying, in broad daylight, and when my daughter asks me, “What’s wrong?” I can only tell the truth: I’m tired. I am so incredibly tired. I could sleep all night and then sleep all day. A full night’s sleep (I slept from 9:30 to 7:30 this morning) and I still have heavy eyes, a cloudy brain, and a foul temper. Caffeine can’t even touch it. Everywhere I go I think, I just want to pull over and put the seat down and sleep. When I get home I see mess after mess after mess and I just want M to go watch my phone so I can lie down and sleep. I go to work and when I’m not being someone’s bitch, oops I mean nurse, and looking at a computer screen to chart, my eyes start to close and my mouth dangle open. I’m falling asleep where I sit.
The last time I felt this tired for so long I was pregnant. And trust me, I’m not pregnant now. (I just stopped writing for a second and rested my head 0n my hands and nearly fell asleep.) I think my body is just slowing down and giving up. Maybe this is the direct precursor to a mental break down, cause I sure feel like I’m on the verge of having one.
(Accepting donations for an $80 copay per week for the therapist everyone’s about to tell me I need…)
Update: I have been trying to take half of my paxil dose to wean myself off of it. I think I may be having some of the more severe withdrawal effects. I’ve always had bad withdrawal if I forgot to take a dose, in the form of dizziness, a flu-like feeling, and brain “zaps”. But this heightened irritability, anger, even rage at times is so crazy out of characteristic for me, and now I see that a lot of people experience this with paxil withdrawal. I may have no money, but I’m going to need some type of professional help to get off this drug. This doped up feeling and anger and crying all day is not going to work out for me. I just went and took a WHOLE paxil. God help me.