lack of spirit

I haven’t been able to feel all those touchy-feely things people feel when someone they love more than anything dies. I didn’t feel her presence. I haven’t had a touching dream. I just feel a void. Or worse, a pressing voice asking me where I am, why I haven’t called her back yet, when I’m coming to see her. I don’t feel her spirit resting, I feel it restless and anxious. I feel no closure, no peace, and worse, I didn’t feel she felt those things either. No matter what I said to her while she was dying, she still didn’t want to go.

Last night, late, I went out to my lake. The moon was bright and shining and there was a breeze. I cried so hard and said, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Then I just kept asking, “Where are you?” over and over again. I couldn’t feel my grandma’s presence. I couldn’t feel it anymore. “Where are you grandma?” over and over and over. Suddenly, the wind picked up. I looked up and there were the shadows of these clouds flying overhead, quite fast, the wind hurrying them along. I stopped crying. “I’m right here,” they seemed to say. The wind continued to blow harder. “I’m flying.”

I felt something like a simple, “Oh.” Oh there you are, in the wind.

A huge storm blew in then. Like, blew our outdoor chairs all over (some are still missing this morning), broke tree branches, blew rain into the house. I went to sleep with the windows open to feel the wind, but woke up and had to close everything. The thunder and lightning woke M, and scared her so much she fell asleep in my arms like a baby. It felt like a shout, rather than a reply. “I’m right HERE!”

Now I know. She’s flying.


Author: Mother of All Things

Mother by fostering, adoption, and marriage... wife to my best friend... Bay area critical care nurse... travel in my blood, reading in my bones, clean food on my mind!

One thought on “lack of spirit”

  1. I am so sorry that you lost your beloved grandmother. I am sitting at work bawling like a baby. I am so glad to know that she got through to you at the lake and I hope you hold on to that feeling of knowing she is ok, she is flying. My heart aches for you knowing how painful this is, but please know that you are in my thoughts and I hope you find peace and comfort in knowing that she is not in pain anymore, she is flying high ❤

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