there will always be doubts

Leaving my employer of eight years is sort of like jumping off a cliff into an abyss. I don’t know what to expect, really. Will being a nurse in another hospital be really hard? Unpleasant? Miserable? Will I feel stupid, overwhelmed, scared? Will I still be a good nurse? Will other nurses help me?

Then there’s taking my daughter out of a really excellent Montessori program, where she has grown to love her teachers and classmates like family. Will she be super lonely and bored if she doesn’t go to school every day? Will she somehow be traumatized by her lack of friends? Will she have as much opportunity for learning as she gets now?

I think anytime we change our lives, even in pursuit of our dreams, it’s easy to let the doubt and fear paralyze you. You start to say, this isn’t so bad here. Or think, I can scrape by where I am. But that’s how dreams die a slow and ugly death, I think. You’re too afraid of change, so you just sit around for a lifetime until it truly is too late.

Plus, I already have the answers to all of the above questions. Yes, it will be hard and uncomfortable to work in another facility. Sometimes I will not have enough help, sometimes I will. Sometimes I’ll love the people I work with, often I won’t. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, or have a bad day, but I will use my skills and experience and resources to figure it out.

M will not be traumatized. Honestly she prefers to stay with me over going to school anyway. Also, she makes friends easily and will probably have friends at the playground she enjoys within days of arriving. Let’s be honest- she won’t remember preschool. Yes it’s a great program and I love the teachers, and I wish I could bring them with us, but if I can’t pay the bills, and I can’t afford to do anything fun ever, then a cranky unhappy mom will be way worse for her than missing her teachers. And the world is a wonderful learning environment. We will visit forests, mountains, oceans, children’s museums, botanical gardens, festivals, playgrounds, and pools. The opportunity to “learn” will be everywhere.

I’m going to be making a vision board to keep me focused on why I’m doing what I’m doing, whenever the fears creep up. The board will feature:

1. Places I want to go, like San Francisco, New York City, beaches, redwoods, mountains, and desert.
2. Places I want to go overseas once I’m debt-free and saving up lots of money and don’t have to work contracts back to back: Thailand beaches, Vietnam’s Ha Long Bay, Nepal’s Himalayas, Mexico’s cenotes…
3. Things I want for my cottage that I’d never be able to save up enough for if I didn’t do this: new seawall, new siding, lovely stone work for patios, patio furniture, etc., a new pontoon, a little speed boat, paddle boat, etc.
4. Investments, like after things are paid off how I’ll invest and hopefully be able to retire earlier… and M can go to college or a training program or whatever, but money for her to use in her life. Pics of her choosing a college or buying a car or moving for an internship, as well as pics of me relaxing by my beautifully renovated cottage in retirement, long before I would have been able to otherwise.

So those are my dreams, and I want to make them happen!

Author: Mother of All Things

Mother by fostering, adoption, and marriage... wife to my best friend... Bay area critical care nurse... travel in my blood, reading in my bones, clean food on my mind! View all posts by Mother of All Things