I’m posting from my phone so forgive the formatting errors and typos… If you follow my Instagram then you’ll know that we had some sleeping issues, as in my child did not sleep at all, ever, for days. Knock on wood but we are finally on track as she has now slept all night twice!
Things are a bit different for me in Nepal, as I have a little one and I’m older. Still, I feel closer to my pre-kid self than I have before. Of course I love being a parent, I’m not saying my pre-kid self was necessarily better or more enjoyable or more real, but parts of who I was seven or ten or 15 years ago was a bit more authentic, obviously, since I could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I feel much closer to those parts of myself here, but I also find that that feeling grinds up against the obligations of motherhood. It’s harder to be patient here… She’s not being very well-behaved here (understandably, there’s been a ton of changes in a short time) but feeling more in touch withy pre-kid self somehow means feeling less capable of dealing with a very demanding, whiny, needy little person who never sleeps.
On the flip side, I feel that parenting here is so much easier because M loves Nepali uncles, aunts, didi and dai (older children) and Nepali people are way more patient and accepting of an active little kid than Americans are. Life seems more real here… Things are dirty and out in the open but also raw and interesting. The western world (including places like Hong Kong) seem almost oppressively sterile in comparison, children expected to be perfect little robots. Don’t get me wrong, I love clean hot showers with every dirt and dust-covered inch of me, but the sacrifice is worth it for the sense of community and interconnectedness I feel here.
Part of me wishes I could sell everything I own and just never go back. If I didn’t have such deep roots, identity and family-wise, in my Michigan property I’d do it in a heartbeat. The entire time I’m here I just think, I want an apartment and a scooty here and I don’t want to go home. I miss my mom and my lake but the rest of it, the isolation the sterile grocery stores the long commutes the consumerism the politics my job in the hospital… I don’t think I can stand those things, even if there is no alternative.
I want to stay. I want to stay so bad. Someone tell me how to work this out. Sell my car? Rent my house? Those are my thoughts here. I forget everything, I live in the moment. It’s very zen.