I just keep pinging around in my own head, feeling profoundly unsettled. I have no one to talk to about it, and the loneliness of my regular life feels like a choke collar. It’s like stepping from a warm bath into a frigid wind. It’s sorrow… I’m homesick, homesick for Nepal. I feel like crying constantly and hopelessness makes me feel sick to my stomach. This happens everytime I come back. It takes months to shake.
I’m also incredibly tired. With nothing to look forward to, sleep is my only refuge. Truthfully what bothers me the most is how disconnected I feel from my daughter. I have lived for her since the day I laid eyes on her. Being her mother has been my whole world, and I’ve done all I could to foster a closeness between us that would last always. But since our trip, I’m finding parenting exceedingly difficult. Perhaps it’s normal to have these spells, but I don’t know. It feels like we’re pitted against one another instead of being on the same team. That’s a yucky feeling. I feel like I need to get things done and then I feel so tired and the demanding, egocentric behavior of a three-year-old is getting to me more than I care to admit. Everything she does creates work for me… I know I shouldn’t mind that but my frustration with it is eating me away.
I don’t know how to fix this. Any of this. I just know that this re-entry has been as hard as all the rest, plus the constant needs of a little one, the constant messes… I’m at my wit’s end.