still alive

I’m still alive, promise. Thanks to everyone who wondered! I did my week of classroom orientation, which was a great week. I met other travelers, did fun things with M, had play dates with other moms. Then reality hit- I had to actually work on the floor. My anxiety was so high, I just wanted to puke and cry the entire day, but once I was actually there it was a little better. The second night was a little better than the first. If only I could’ve brought my last unit and job with me on my back. Then my life would be perfect.

Tomorrow is my first night on my own, without a preceptor. Pray for a manageable assignment and friendly co-nurses on that night for me, please! I need it. I’m a ball of nerves in that place. It is so hard to be new again, and I’ve actually cried for my old job.

M is doing great in school and swimming. But my going back to work was definitely hard on her. She has gone back to crying that she wants to go home to Michigan. The mom guilt is hard. Being anxious and panicky again, for the first time in years, is hard. But I’m pulling out my old tricks and telling myself that if I hate this hospital, I can leave in 11 weeks. Telling myself it’s normal to feel this way. Surely I felt nervous when I became a new nurse? When I was new in ICU? I just really miss knowing what I’m doing. I took so much pride in myself as a nurse, and now I feel like I’m back at rookie level.

In other news, I’m in a great place to protest the incoming government! Women’s march on Saturday, should be big!

Author: Mother of All Things

Mother by fostering, adoption, and marriage... wife to my best friend... Bay area critical care nurse... travel in my blood, reading in my bones, clean food on my mind!

3 thoughts on “still alive”

  1. It will be better in just a few more days at work. And the weather will improve which will also help all of you. Hang in!

  2. I think you will have the hang of it within the week! I hope your anxiety can chill out so you can get your confidence back. If you are having a hard time sleeping, valerian root tea is my savior (I believe it is conraindicated to some depression medications, fyi). I also like Rescue Remedy for both myself and Wallace.

  3. The Women’s March should be cathartic. Channel all your anxiety into your feet and your voice, as you stand up for what you believe in. I saw quite a few women sporting pink pussy hats and they have been very warm and supportive.

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