I’ve been a mother in so many ways… a foster mom, a baby loss mom, an adoptive mom, a stepmom. My path toward and through motherhood has led me to passions for healthy eating, gentle discipline, and child-led learning, on top of being a wife, a traveler, and a full-time nurse. With our growing family, our gaggle of cats and dogs, and our adventures in the Bay Area (and beyond), we are learning together how to live a conscious life in the world we’ve been given.
Mother of All Things 
Wow. I’m so very, very sorry. I can’t imagine…
I lost my beautiful Maia Rose at 33 weeks on December 2, 2012. They couldn’t find a heartbeat… just like that. 48 hours before, everything was great. And then, on that Sunday, everything wasn’t, and never would be again. So, I am familiar with that constant, never ending chant. I don’t think it will ever actually end- there may be times when I can’t hear it as loudly (it ranges from being so loud I can feel the vibrations, to ambient noise in the background of watching my other kids do their thing), but it never goes away.
I understand the need to have another baby around. Four days after Maia was born, I asked for my 9 month old grandson (my husband’s a good bit older than me) to come over. And it was so healing. When he napped, I help him and just cried. I felt so much better after that, and I suspect that after you spend some time with him, some part of your heart won’t feel as raw.
I think you’re so strong to claim motherhood and parenting on your own. I wish you the best of luck, and beautiful rainbows.
Sorry- I *held* him.
I’m so very sorry.
Your dear little daughter, Avalon. So very wanted and surrounded by love for her whole life.
I wish that she were here, enjoying all the wonderful love that still continues for her.
I’m so very sorry for your recent loss of your precious Avalon. I love her name… it’s beautiful and the meaning is perfect. I can tell in your words how much she was wanted and how greatly she is loved. I lost my son last July at 29 weeks and it’s still so hard living without him, but every day I do find a little bit of healing and hope. Wishing you peace and comfort ❤
I’m so sorry for your sad loss.
My heart breaks for you.
Thank you for sharing yours and Avalon’s story.
My little boy is alive. He’s 3, wild and amazing. He’s not birth son, I just raised him for more than 2 years. I’ve always said h chose me to be his mama.
I know exactly what you mean about life being divided into before and after. Mine was January 10th. His birth father decided to end all communication between my son and I. I’ve somehow survived for more than a month without him. I still have no idea how.
I miss my baby.
I am a single night-shift ED nurse looking to start the foster care process. Finding your blog and learning about … everything that you’ve gone through and are still going through has been inspirational and just what I needed. I’ve wanted to foster-to-adopt for a long time but I finally feel like I’m in a place where it is do-able. Thank you for sharing your journey.