Category: adoption

My daughter and I are super close. Probably most 3-year-old daughters and their mothers are really close, but having never had a 3-year-old before, it’s surprising to me. Like, I’ll literally think about something, like muffins, and my daughter will then say, “Mom I want to make muffins!” It’s eerie.

Now she knows that babies grow in the tummies of mommies. She likes to point out tummies with babies in them (even when that tummy is not necessarily a pregnant one, much to my embarrassment). I’ve tried to use this as a way to talk about adoption, and introduce what it means. “M, did you know that you grew in your other mommy’s tummy, before you came to live with me, when you were a tiny little baby?” And she usually says, “No, mommy. You’re silly. I was in YOUR tummy!” She seems to think I’m joking around. It is sort of heartbreaking, to have to tell my daughter that we were not, in fact, that close (physically) at any one time. That I did not grow her in my tummy, even though I wish I had. It opens the door to new heartbreak, and the question she will eventually ask: why didn’t my other mommy keep me?

Parenting babies and young toddlers is so breathlessly easy, although exhausting. You can keep things simple. Food, drink, potty, snuggles, play, and repeat. Now we get to the nitty gritty of life, the burning details, the sorrowful layers.

As politically incorrect as it is, I wish I could tell her she had grown in my tummy. I wish I never had to tell her that someone else couldn’t take care of her, or made choices that put her in danger. No matter how beautiful adoption is in the end, it’s always a tragedy at the start.

There are so many adoptee bloggers out there who would read this post and get all sorts of upset about what I’m about to say… but I think the sentiment behind it is a real thing, and not something I should necessarily be ashamed of.

My daughter’s bio mom is back on facebook and posting a lot of pics of herself and the latest boyfriend. I don’t actually care how many boyfriends she has or how often she puts pics up of herself and the guy, but I do begin to get irritated that she never asks me about M, never comments on M’s photos, doesn’t act interested in all. I know she has a lot of issues and intellectually I can understand the many barriers there are to her expressing these things to me. Maybe she finds it too hard, doesn’t know what to say, is too altered by drugs and alcohol, feels overwhelmed by defeat and loss, etc and so on. I completely believe those things are true. Nevertheless, something about it stings.

The child she gave birth to is legitimately amazing. She is funny and creative and strong-willed and kind and smart as hell. I’m proud of her every second. I’m her biggest fan. I love her more than anything else in my life. So I guess that’s why I sometimes project onto her how I would feel if I was her. I guess she may grow up and say, I don’t really care what my birth mom did or said or how much interest she expressed in me as I grew up. I mean that could be the case, and I’m only assuming she’ll care. I’m taking personally what isn’t mine to take personally. But what could be more personal than the way your child feels?

My mom took M to the yearly lake association picnic yesterday while I worked. There’s a neighbor who has an ice cream truck, and he always brings it to the picnics and gives away his ice cream for free. He noticed M, heard her being called by her name, and asked if she might have been adopted. Turns out, he’s her uncle, bio-mom’s brother. He doesn’t have much to do with his family now but he knew his sister had had a baby with that name three years ago who was adopted locally.

M totally scored in the uncle department! She got three free ice creams at the picnic. Whenever the ice cream truck rolls around now she can put it on her uncle’s tab!

I don’t post much in the way of open-adoption anymore. Partly it’s that we’ve gotten so busy with life and partly it’s because it can be so uncomfortable and such a pain to make the effort to visit M’s relatives. The aunt, first of all, has asked for money once and last I heard from her she was texting me several times a minute that she “needed” to talk to me. I didn’t respond except to say I was at work. I just don’t want to get sucked into the awkwardness of saying no to paying the water or electric bill, knowing M’s three cousins are the ones who pay the price. The last we saw them was at her birthday party in March.

I’ve also had a bit of trouble with the facebook I created to keep in touch with them. I can’t pull it up on my phone without all of these errors and problems switching back to my regular facebook, so I went ahead and tried to friend the aunt and grandpa on my regular account. Grandpa friended me quickly and makes nice comments about M and what she’s up to. Last week M’s older bio-sister (age 9) was up from Texas with her grandma (her paternal grandma, not related to M). I found out at the last minute. She claims she tried to contact me but due to the facebook problem I didn’t get her message (although I gave her my phone number last summer, so…). I found out at the last minute and even though I was working, I had my mom meet them at a park so M could see her sister. Apparently, according to bio-sister’s grandma, the aunt’s kids have been removed from her by CPS and she is into some drugs. They may be with their dad or in foster care, I have no idea.

As far as M’s bio mom… haven’t heard anything from her since Christmas. No texts, no facebook accounts, nothing. Time to search the county public records for arrests, I guess.