a little less loss means a little more grief

By the Brooke posted something similar to this about her rainbow baby. That when you lose a child, you lose more than just a loved one. You lose a whole life you were eagerly waiting for, all of the rituals and lifestyle changes that are a part of our culture. You lose a whole world, one that was only just beginning to open up to you.

I lost using a nursery, complaining about sleepless nights, newborn baby pics, countless comments about how much she “looks like me”, birth announcements and a birth story with a happy ending, all the first milestones, the badge of honor that comes with “mommyhood”. That lost was stunning. Everything I’d planned for my future, planned to do and be, was gone. It was almost as devastating as the losing the actual little person I’d loved.

Now I, too, have a rainbow baby (even if she doesn’t get to stay forever). The lifestyle I was grieving, I suddenly have. Yes, it’s healing. A part of me has bloomed again in the sunlight of all things baby. I have all of those baby things I knew I was missing. This part of of my sorrow now feels like joy.

So that leaves me to grieve more freely, and much more purely, the loss of my actual daughter. Not the loss of what I wanted, but of who she was and would have been. The loss of being Avalon’s mom. 

Being a mom again can heal so much of your hurt, and that allows you to truly see the loss of your precious child. My grief for Avalon is no longer completely wrapped up in me. It’s now all about her.

I have Jo Jo and foster care to thank for that.

Author: Mother of All Things

Mother by fostering, adoption, and marriage... wife to my best friend... Bay area critical care nurse... travel in my blood, reading in my bones, clean food on my mind!

One thought on “a little less loss means a little more grief”

  1. I didn’t have a loss like you did, but I did have to say goodbye to two sweet foster kids after raising them for more than a year. One week after they left, we got our little Monkey, and she was and continues to be very healing. I know it’s not the same as a rainbow baby, but this post reminded me of how grateful I am that she came to us when she did.

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