The weird thing about today was, we were all so sleepy. My mom and I took turns taking naps, and Jo Jo took a lot of naps as well. Must be something in the air. Honestly, I’m in a bit of a funk, so I’ve made a list of things to do tomorrow, to keep me from wallowing. I’m feeling sad and hurt and disappointed in things, but trying to redirect myself to the things that bring me joy: Jo Jo, for example. She is the light in my life, and my mom and I can’t imagine life without her anymore.
Now, it’s only been 8 weeks since Jo Jo was dropped off at this house by CPS. I always said I wanted to foster not to adopt, but to support re-unification whenever it was possible, and to provide a stable home in between removal and permanency. I did that with Moose, and I’m proud of how I worked with his bio parents. BUT, I’m not going to lie to you, dear readers. I love this child like my own. I want to keep her.
Yes, I want to keep her.
I had a nightmare last night that her bio mom came to the new court date, said she wanted her, and Jo Jo was taken and given back, just like that. I’m not going to pretend to all of you that what I want is politically correct. I know it isn’t. Hell, maybe it’s not even what’s best for Jo Jo. If her mom could get it together just enough to provide her with a safe and somewhat decent home life, maybe she’d be better off there. I don’t know, but I’m being completely honest, that I feel deep down that we are mother and daughter. I don’t defend it or deny that we are supposed to prioritize kinship placements. But I would be absolutely devastated if a relative came forward now.
She is my baby. My daughter. My heart.
So for those of you who follow me because you’re interested in foster care… all I can say is, this happens. Certain children you love with all your heart, but support reunification because it’s right, like I did with Moose. But other children come, and you feel an inexplicable bond with them, and no matter what you tell yourself, you just can’t make yourself feel that there is any circumstance under which it would be ok for them to leave you.
So forgive me, dear foster care readers. She is my heart’s daughter, and I want her to stay and be my forever daughter, too. Politcal-correctness be damned.