I don’t think about it as much as I thought I would, and sometimes I even feel guilty about it. That other reality where Avalon is alive, and 9 months old, drifts farther and farther with the passing of time (just like the magickal island she’s named for, appropriately enough). I am so in love with Jo Jo, so excited for her upcoming celebrations and our life together, that I spend very little time in a reality that just a year ago seemed more alive than the one in which I lived.
Like most of us with rainbow babies, I try to stay away from the, “if you could change things…” question. Mostly because I feel that I wouldn’t, and that plagues me with guilt. And also because I feel that I might, and that breaks my heart.
My best friend is going to give birth in the coming weeks to a little boy. For the most part, I have been totally ok, able to be excited and supportive. But there are times when I feel the pangs of jealousy, the “that shoud’ve been me”s sneaking in. Luckily, it’s a boy, and somehow that makes it just different enough to be easier. But will I be ok to be in the hospital with her, unable to help but compare my own tragic experience with her (hopefully) very happy one?
And, in the darkness of the night, with my precious, beloved baby snoring in her crib next to my bed, I let myself wonder… who would that other little girl be, today?