anger “on behalf”

There are so many adoptee bloggers out there who would read this post and get all sorts of upset about what I’m about to say… but I think the sentiment behind it is a real thing, and not something I should necessarily be ashamed of.

My daughter’s bio mom is back on facebook and posting a lot of pics of herself and the latest boyfriend. I don’t actually care how many boyfriends she has or how often she puts pics up of herself and the guy, but I do begin to get irritated that she never asks me about M, never comments on M’s photos, doesn’t act interested in all. I know she has a lot of issues and intellectually I can understand the many barriers there are to her expressing these things to me. Maybe she finds it too hard, doesn’t know what to say, is too altered by drugs and alcohol, feels overwhelmed by defeat and loss, etc and so on. I completely believe those things are true. Nevertheless, something about it stings.

The child she gave birth to is legitimately amazing. She is funny and creative and strong-willed and kind and smart as hell. I’m proud of her every second. I’m her biggest fan. I love her more than anything else in my life. So I guess that’s why I sometimes project onto her how I would feel if I was her. I guess she may grow up and say, I don’t really care what my birth mom did or said or how much interest she expressed in me as I grew up. I mean that could be the case, and I’m only assuming she’ll care. I’m taking personally what isn’t mine to take personally. But what could be more personal than the way your child feels?

Author: Mother of All Things

Mother by fostering, adoption, and marriage... wife to my best friend... Bay area critical care nurse... travel in my blood, reading in my bones, clean food on my mind!

3 thoughts on “anger “on behalf””

  1. I can see why you would feel that way, I probably would sometimes too. But I don’t think it’s worth you wasting time or energy on M’s biomom. You’ve made yourself available and open to having some sort of relationship with her which is more than many adoptive parents are willing to do. Plus you make the effort to keep other members of M’s bio family in her life which I feel is above and beyond the call of duty. If at some point biomom decides she wants a relationship with you and M then she knows how to contact you. Maybe hide her posts so you don’t have to look at pics of her partying and get annoyed by her lack of interest in M? With any luck one day she’ll wake up and realize that she wants a relationship with you and M. Until then, ignore her and soak in every minute you can with M. Just think of all the milestones and adventures you and M have to look forward to!

  2. I understand completely! My grandson’s Dad has no relationship with him even though he has visitation rights. Never calls to check on him. We,too, marvel at the amazing child he helped create and cannot fathom the lack of interest and concern. Drugs and alcohol play a part but I believe something is missing in the very core a person to turn their back on their own child. Many give up their child out of profound love and in the best interest of the child and think of that child everyday and cry for what was lost. Others never give their offspring a second thought. We can’t understand it and never will. Thankfully your precious girl has a Mom that loves her unconditionally and she is not with that woman that birthed her!

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