still incensed

I’m still quite blown away by the fact that someone has the nerve to come to a baby loss blog and actually infer that THEY are upset by their friends/acquaintances who have lost babies, because those friends resented her normal, healthy births and children. I mean really? Really?! You’re so sick of baby loss moms struggling with guilt and resentment? YOU are sick of it?! And you’re offended that they don’t want to be around you, or are jealous of you, or the fact that you are a trigger that brings them back to one of the most traumatic experiences of their lives? You’re offended??? And you also think that you as a person who have never been there before have the right to judge the process of grieving for someone else?

Wow. Just wow.

No one has the right to be rude and nasty to someone else, including parents who are grieving. But when you seek out places where baby loss parents are venting, grieving, and otherwise commiserating… you honestly have no right to complain about what you’re hearing or reading. And if a baby mom IS rude or nasty to you and you’re pregnant/a mom, well I feel that’s inappropriate, too. You might have the grace to excuse her or even just feel bad that she’s so stuck in the anger part of the process. Or you can just say, “I understand that it’s normal for you to have these feelings, but it is still not appropriate to take your (understandable) anger out on me.”

Author: Mother of All Things

Mother by fostering, adoption, and marriage... wife to my best friend... Bay area critical care nurse... travel in my blood, reading in my bones, clean food on my mind!

8 thoughts on “still incensed”

  1. I never understood why anyone would leave a nasty comment on any blog. If you don’t like what I’m saying, stop reading.
    Try not to take it to heart, the person that wrote that probably a very angry person who doesn’t have much in life. They obviously are not empathetic. Don’t waste your time trying to figure them out.

  2. I have never lost a baby, but I wouldn’t dream of coming onto a blog like this and criticising how you express your grief! Jesus, some people read far too much into things.

    Of course you’re angry. Of course seeing pregnant women sometimes fills you with rage. You’ve lost your daughter! I can’t begin to imagine the pain you’re in. I think sometimes people presume grief is made up entirely of sadness and expect women to simply mope around for a bit and then get over it, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Grief is an umbrella term, and at some point during the grieving process, you’ll likely feel a little bit (or a lot) of every emotion going. Including the not-so-pretty range of emotions we all like to pretend we don’t have, like anger and jealousy. That doesn’t make you evil or messed up or spiteful. It makes you human.

    The posts in question made it clear you weren’t planning an onslaught of attacks on the next pregnant women who crossed your vision. You wrote that you did not wish them ill and that you knew your anger was misdirected, that you just wanted someone or something to blame. In short, you were self-reflective and honest. That’s HEALTHY, not a sign of psychopathy. Seriously – what more do these people want?

    My sweet and wonderful mother lost her first daughter when she was 7 months pregnant with her. Back then, stillborn babies weren’t allowed their own graves. Even now, thirty years later, I still see the agony in her face when she talks about her. But she eventually had me, and my sister. And she is the best mother in the world. So too will you be. Chin up. Thinking of you xox

    1. Thanks so much for the support. I’m so grateful I live in this current day and age and place, where my daughter’s body was treated like my precious baby, and they automatically took photos, handprints, etc for a memory box. I can’t imagine what mothers went through then (or go through in other parts of the world now) when their babies are thrown out and never spoken of again.

  3. This is just wrong.

    But don’t let them get the best of you. I think there are far more of us around here who are supportive of you getting these feelings out and understand that it’s healthy and constructive…

    There will always be trolls on the internet. People who hide behind their keyboards and type nasty things because they don’t have to say it to your face. I know it’s easier said than done, but try to let it go ;hearts;

    1. Going… going… gone 🙂 I just want other new baby loss moms who might stumble across my blog to KNOW that what they’re feeling is ok, it does not mean anything is wrong with them, and it does not make them mean, angry people.

  4. I only just read those comments, and though I make a point to NEVER get into online arguments I really couldn’t stop myself from commenting. I really hope you don’t allow anyone to make you feel ashamed of your grief. Grief is natural and healthy, and from what I read from this blog I feel you are handling your grief in constructive and healthy ways. I have never experienced the loss of a child, so I can’t say I know how you feel, but I am sorry for your loss.

  5. I don’t even have words. I can’t imagine being attacked in the space I consider my safe place.
    Sending light to you, and hope to the person who wrote this that they never understand what it’s like to lose their baby, because it is the worst thing I have ever gone through, and I can’t imagine they would survive it knowing the judgement and negativity they passed to others.

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